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Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in Anthony L.'s LiveJournal:

Sunday, May 30th, 2010
1:24 am
a new mother fucken year
Hey,

It's been awhile; when don't I start the blog like that? haha. Anyway, I've been dating josh for some 5 months now. The end of june will be 6. He's a great guy. I guess I always feel the need to add something about the people I'm seeing or dating. I'm not sure if that's a little inappropriate or if I'm right on point.

Anyway, today was Erin D.'s birthday BBQ. She turned 27 on the 27th. I turned 3 on the 3rd a long time ago. Great slogan though! I don't think she used it to it's fullest potential.

I've been sober for almost a year now and started drinking again. I haven't found it to be a problem unless you feel like thinking of Judy makes it a problem. She can't be a normal thing and she can't fuck up my life.

I love Josh very much. If you're thinking about maturity, my relationship with him is the most mature I've had with anyone. He'd probably disagree, lol. It really is the most mature and understanding relationship I've ever had. I think maybe he gets the point that I'm not the most mature when it comes to feelings. He knows that I like to hear that I'm loved, etc. I feel stupid telling him that I want to hear more of it but I can't help but tell him cause I know that he does feel that way.

Is it wrong to ask someone to tell me how they feel on the reg if i know its true? He thinks that I'm criticizing him and making him seem bad. I think it's cute that he feels that way cause honestly, he cares how I feel. I guess if he was more defensive I'd have a problem. Then again, I think that he makes it seem likes it my fault that I have a problem. No, I correct myself. He makes me feel bad even though he's not trying to. He actually makes me feel upset in a genuine way about how I'm acting. It's so true and real and it makes me upset about myself. I know that I'm telling him what I need, but at the same time, I'm tellin him in the wrong way about what I want.

You'd have to be there to understand, haha. Righ now I'm sitting on the computer while he sleeps. I guess I just had to expend some energy. I'm sure one day he'll read this. I hope at the time we're married and doing very well.

My nieces are great. I worry about Michelle but as of right now Desiree is taking care of. They are so cute and happy. They vie for my attention and I love it! I've never felt love for two people as I have for them. I hope to never forget this feeling because it makes you want to carry on and do better things for them. I hope to be able to spoil them rotten.


I think this entry is good enough for now. I moved in with Herme, I guess that's pretty awesome too. She is so clean and happy. It's a great environment, compared to 3 Seaman Street in New Brunswick. I still have to go there tomorrow and pick up my Nintendo stuff, hahaha. Erin wants me to go anyway and make sure everything is clean. It went well with Pete. He was very nice and I shook his hand, thanking him for letting us stay there (kiss ass).

Current Mood: content
Friday, July 17th, 2009
2:14 am
Sobriety
I hope that I never lose touch with this site. It's so amazing to read back on my old posts...memory lane is *hot*.

I've been going to a therapist lately. I think it's really been helping me with some of the issues I've been having for the past few years. Drinking and drugging was ruining my life and I've finally realized it after moving out on my own. I've had a problem calling myself an addict or an alcoholic because I don't think I *need* anything. Well, I am addicted to cigarettes. It's hard to hear the word "sober" or the phrase "have you used lately". I'm going to talk to my therapist and ask if she can word it in a different way. I've been not drinking for a few months now...not including two weeks ago when I got smashed and ended up in the hospital because my heart was beating irregularly. I stayed overnight and they say everything is okay...it's not life threatening and it should go away. I'm still feeling it though once in awhile, especially when I go to sleep.

I think if I completely stop drinking (and drugging), my mind frame will go back to a more normal state. You can't really judge how bad your bipolar is if you're doing all these bad things to your brain.

I hung out with Shannon yesterday. She moved to VA with her girlfriend. The relationship seems very rocky and I don't like that the lady has so much control over her. With that said, she is now kicked out of the house down there and living with her mom, temporarily? I had a great time. We went to a coffee shop in Montclair called Cafe Eclectic. I had visited the place before with Kim Miers Zogg. Her roommate from William Paterson worked there. I really like the place and I would definitely make my coffee shop look similar with the chairs and artwork. After getting Subway because I can't really eat out anywhere else, we went and visited one of Shannon's old friends. Kevin was already there hanging out with them so it was nice to see him too. They were a riot. Of course, they were smoking pot like banshees. I didn't mind at all. I had the urge to smoke but earlier that day I spoke to my therapist about it. She told me that it is really bad for mental health. I started thinking about all the pot heads that I know and they do all seem to have anxiety problems. I wonder if they have anxiety because of the pot or if they smoke pot because of the anxiety. I do know that I'm not getting back into the "self-medicating" routine.

Tonight, I went to Old Bay. I saw Priyam, Dave, VJ, Jen, Lindsey, Cory and of course Erin. I had a good time and danced a little bit. I'm not going to lie, the urge to drink is there, slightly. It's not overpowering or something that I *have* to do but at times through the night, it can get boring. I've found ways to get over it and I still have a great time without getting depressed about being "neglected". I saw Ed and Rob there too. Love being around men my height. Rob was very complimentary to me since I lost 65 pounds and he hasn't seen me since before the diet. He was amazing and told Ed, while he was outside with Erin, that I look really good. It feels great to hear stuff like that but I'm still not very happy with my body. We stopped over 360 not long after I go to the first bar. 360 was absolutely amazing. There were a lot of Hispanic men and women. They danced so well, dressed so well, smelled so well. It was wonderful but at the same time being out of my element that far doesn't feel that great. I got upset because I couldn't dance like them, haha. I definitely want to take dance lessons now...I wonder if i'll be any good!

We went back to Old Bay after 360 and danced a little bit more. At that point, I was feeling a little too tired. I wanted to go right away but Erin D. kept trying to convince me to stay. For now on I'm going to put my foot down with the whole driving home thing. I don't mind staying a little bit later or being convinced, but when I want to go, I'm going. She tries to say that she just wants to finish her beer but then she drinks it very slowly on purpose! I hate when she gets mad too or makes me feel guilty. It's not happening anymore! I'm not super mad or anything, so don't get the wrong idea, just thought I'd share. If she read this she would probably get mad, lol.

Current Mood: calm
Saturday, December 23rd, 2006
2:13 am
I just saw ERAGON
Current mood: nostalgic
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities


Eragon was an excellent movie. I, of course, am obsessed with fantasy novels (espcially dragons). It was close to the novel but definitely cut out some parts that I thought were important.

I think its funny sometimes how I find books. The hardcovered book, Eragon, was on a teen table at Barnes and Noble when it first came out. For some reason I went over there and picked it up. I couldn't believe how awesome the story line was even if the language was a little more simpler than I was used to. I believe its going to be a triology. I read the second one and it was definitely as good as the first (more action)

Anyway, while I'm on the topic of books "calling to me". I can't help but remember the first time I read a fantasy novel. I was in 8th grade and I had not done so well in my science class the year before. My teacher told my mother that I was hanging out with the wrong crowd and that they were holding me back. She said I had a real talent and I was wasting it with the dirt bike riding kids. What she said stuck with me.

Needless to say, I was grounded most of the summer. Our cable was shut off because my grandma couldn't afford the bill and my mother was still in school. I had nothing to do but to sit in my closet sized room. I had summer reading to do and I decided to do it at the library in Old Bridge (where I lived at the time). They were having a used book sale and since I really didn't feel like doing my assignment I went in to take a look.

I'll never forget what happened. There were these two books next to each other that were calling to me, lol. Not literally of course, I wasn't hearing voices yet I went over to them and saw that they were both about dragons. At the time, I had no idea what fantasy was or the whole culture behind it. The first book was called The Hands of Chaos by Margeret Weis and Tracy Hickman and the second book was called Lords of the Sky by Angus wells. I think they were about 50 cents each.

I got home and started reading and I never stopped. The Hands of Chaos was actually a book in a middle of a seven book series. I had to buy them all. Fortunately, my mother said she would buy me as many books as I wanted for as long as I wanted.

School started and my punishment ended. I didn't want to hang out with my friends anymore. The books that I read in that small amount of time taught me more honor than they could ever do in a life time. They were my closest and dearest friends but I could not take being around them anymore. I couldn't do the things they were doing.

I know I went off tangent but sometimes I digress. I think this story is interesting, if nothing else. I learned how to be a better person from the heros in my stories. I did extremely well at Jonas Salk Middle School my final year there. So well, in fact, that I was one of the four chosen students in my class to manage the chemicals that we had in storage for the science department, hahaha.

Current Mood: nostalgic
Friday, July 5th, 2002
7:24 pm
Okay so here is the start of my day. I woke up and it hurt so bad, this bronc/throat infection thingie needs to go, i money to be made. I'm going to work today even though i feel like shit, i need money so i have to go. I got a surprising hello from mikey, dom, and jay (connexions). And an even stranger introduction from david super boi dj thingie. lol he's nice. Ugh, so i went to work today...they sent me home cause i was so sick. I couldn't stop coughing. I must admit that i wanted to go anyway, cause i want to go out tonight, not sure if i'm going, or if its the right decision, but i haven't been doing anything for along time so i'm ready to have some fun, i just wish i wasn't sick :-( i'll let u know how everything goes tomorrow
Thursday, July 4th, 2002
11:08 pm
O am i oo so pissed off. Once again today i tried to get jackie back as a friend, its not easy and its probably not going to work. I'm not sure y i'm even doing it...i just have that urge and i always act on them. I called out of work again today...i feel like shit and i wanna get better now, i hate getting sick. I've been taking the antibio and i've seemed to get a little better but not all the way. I lost so much money today...and yesterday. I still miss anthony...a lot...and i love him...i know i wont be with him ever again, but that doesn't stop my love...doesnt' stop the feelings i had when i was with him. I still think about him constantly...thats what real love is...and i've already let him go. The whole boy status is non-existant. I think that may be a good thing, i'm happy being single...i wouldn't mind sex but i'm not a slut so i don't know how to handle that one. I better get better soon! ::cough:: anywho, thats the most recent update after like a year, don't worry i wont neglect you anymore.

Current Mood: annoyed
Wednesday, August 22nd, 2001
1:03 pm
Wow its been awhile mr. journal. Life is going pretty well from my point of view, well compared to the way it was. I've just started to understand my goals and aspirations again...they aren't lost and i do actually have a future. Lou and I are doing well...its going slow which is excellent. We are exclusive now...which was kinda fast but alright cause i don't like the dating more than one person at a time thing anyway. My emotions for him are going slow...which i am causing myself to project. I'm not getting hurt again or putting my life on a stand still for someone else. to live a healthy life u gotta be a little selfish. I went to court yesterday its adjurned for about 4 weeks, i'm almost positive i wont lose my liscense for more than 45 days...if that. I'm still afraid but I will prevail :-D

Current Mood: awake
Tuesday, August 7th, 2001
2:03 am
wow what a day...once again i had a great time...even with some anoeyances. I paid my bail today...it was "not that serious" lol. Just paid and that was it, i thought i was going to get arrested. My mother lent me the money, she made sure i knew that, lol. Lets see than erin went to the pet store for crap for her hamster...than we went to her genocologist for birth control pills, lol...free at that...and than we went to lauren's gathering of her friends. It was an interesting experiance and i had a good time, it wasn't to long so i didn't get bored or sick or uncomfortable around the people i did not know. Erin looked like she was not having a good time around all those str8 people. But anyway, roma, lauren and I had a bonding experiance today...i hope they realized it and felt it and wanted more. I miss them so incredibley much...makes me wanna cry. I met the infamous phil...wasn't what i thought he would be, the boy who apparently replaced me. For some reason i feel like he has a lot of characteristics of me...which means we probably wouldn't get along, LMAO. I mean i don't know how people deal with me, not that i would tell them that at all!!! (Leo Pride) And than there was that feeling that he didn't like me caues he thought i was after eddie or that we had something...which is very FAR from the case. And for some reason lauren and roma had this deep thing that me and eddie had something hidden and were making eye language thingies, wtf? lol lets stop looking so deep, thanks buh bye, lol

Current Mood: accomplished
Monday, August 6th, 2001
12:15 am
Ritualistic Piercing Day
Today I had a lot of fun! Erin picked me up and we got jackie-poo and went to go get pierced, which we do about every two weeks it seems, lol. I got an industrial this time...which is a long bar that goes through the cartilage of my right ear twice. It hurt like a bitch but quite honestly....Jackie went first...she got her inner labia done...and she screamed so loud...so painfully that I was greatufl i was only getting my ear done. She has a very high tolerance for pain...and so that scared me...she can hardly walk now, lol. So after that we went to a coffee house on main st. metuchan which was nice i saw about 4-5 cute gay guys, lol. Feels nice to be in the area of gay people...comforting almost. We than went to Erin's house and found her older cousin was there with a new dog...a whatever they are called...the dog from lady and the tramp...the female one, lol. But anyway that was cute and we ate a little something...than the fear of coming home set in. First off...i left the house a wreck...i was meaning to be home earlier and so the bathroom/kitchen/living room and my room was disgusting for no other reason than because i'm lazy. She saw my piercing ::sigh:: i love certain piercings i find them very attractive, very exilerating and it actually gives me strength too...something i really enjoy and she hates it to death...and she said i might have to take it out but i dunno...i mean...i like them so much...and i'm not trying to get her mad and i see nothing wrong with them whatsoever. So i got screamed at about that, which doesn't make me feel better. I also found out about the tickets and how my uncle is going to help me go pay for the bail...for those damn traffic tickets. So before i pay bail i found out i have to get arrested first and so he is going to go...he knows some troopers and may be able to help me with the actual tickets i got too. We'll see what happens i really don't wanna talk about it cause it'll just make me upset. Wow, something big just happened as I was writing in this...my former best friend Lauren...asked me if i knew this gay guy whom she has befriended...eddie...well i know him. I don't dislike him at all...he is a nice guy...and i love his best friend lynnzee....but...for some reason it made my stomach turn to find out she is friends with him...i'm not exactly y...she knows a lot about me...and i don't like gay people knowing ME....its like now she and he are connected...my gay and str8 friends now are connected and i don't like it one bit. I also don't like that he was there for her and maybe even knows whats going on more than i do cause we haven't been talking since i lost her and roma. He supposedly is seeing one of lauren's new gay friends named phil...which was kinda weird like he replaced me or something, weird but thats the way i feel i can't help it. While we're discussing this...i feel like they really aren't letting go...or giving me a brake...i was going through self-discovery...i have admitted my wrongs...said i was sorry...doesn't seem to be enough. I was finding myself and discovering the gay community...i didn't spend enough time with them and they couldn't handle my boy situations...but the reason i stopped talking was because the way the confronted me the things lauren and roma said to me online...how sometimes ridiculous lauren was when i would say anything about my life....she said i was not concerned about hers. Its just...damn...never met people that were so forgiving, specially to someone that they supposedly loved so much. I loved them so much...i cared about them maybe i didn't show it, but i figured that they wouldn't just give up on me and vis versa. I dunno man...wtf...what can i do to get what we had back...they very bluntly told me we would never have what we had and they don't consider me their best friend anymore...which was funny cause i don't even consider them my friends at all. god i'll talk about this later...it pisses me off.
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